The other night I was listening to a Podcast about getting in your own way when you are feeling low; it brought me back to my childhood and where I am limiting myself now in my late 20’s.
When I started the beginning of my healing journey, I knew I had things to talk about. I was “recovering” from a life-threatening addiction and I had just left a toxic and rather emotionally abusive relationship, so let me tell you I had things to say – Haha.
I really began my healing Journey in 2019 with the most amazing Human, Amber Kupina who is a Spiritual Healer in Shamanism which is Earth-based healing.
I wasn’t expecting to go as deep as my inner child; specifically my younger 7 and 15-year-old self, she was really who needed healing to help me understand why I had fears of being alone, fears of losing people in my life, and this idea that I wasn’t as smart as everyone else. I’ve heard of others needing to heal abandonment but I never thought I would be one of them, it was important for my healing to address this so I could forgive and move forward.
When I was born I had a stroke at birth, due to this part of my brain being mildly affected and all throughout school I was always told I had a “learning disability.” I got extra time on tests, (honestly loved that) but I was never in the higher academic classes with all my friends.
Although I do feel that was the right choice, every day I was reminded that I wasn’t as smart as my peers and needed to work harder than everyone else in different ways, this was the teenage self that needed healing to show me today that I am smart and capable of anything.
When I was around 5 years old I moved to Nova Scotia where I started school, this was where I made my first group of true friends and social circle. My mom had been diagnosed with cancer and when I was 7 my parents’ marriage split. As a kid I moved around 4 times to different provinces – I would make friends, just to leave again on top of flying from Ontario to Nova Scotia twice a year to see my dad for a period of time just to say goodbye again at the airport.
My inner child would be so scared if my mom left the house without me. I would ask others to “be my friend and take care of me” just to feel safe, I would cry at my dads’ feet at night and ask him to not fall asleep before me because I was afraid to be awake at night alone and I never lasted at sleepovers even with family if I was the last one to fall asleep.
It was important for me to relive these moments to heal and better understand why I felt fear now in my late 20’s, all of these aspects created fear around abandonment, loneliness (being alone). This made sense as to why I found myself attaching to anyone, specifically men, that filled a void that I didn’t realize needed to be filled and thinking I needed the eating disorder because it was the one thing that never left.
Revisiting my childhood was one of the most important aspects of my healing and I would’ve never known that if it wasn’t for Amber.
Healing isn’t meant to be comfortable, it’s not linear… It is completely uncomfortable!! But what I can say is it’s worth it, you become free!! It’s easier to sit in the emotion of being the reason you aren’t living a fulfilling life, it’s easier to choose something else to cope with the low energy… but let me tell you it FEELS AMAZING knowing you put in the work and are now living your life to the fullest; after all, it’s the only one you’ve got!
I’m still healing, still learning and still uncovering, but every time I bring awareness to something to better understand why I may be struggling it feels lighter and things continue to move forward!!
It’s never too late to begin your deeper healing journey! I promise you won’t regret it, if you’re interested in working with my Amber, below is her contact! She is a big reason I am free today! 🙂
Her Creative Freedom