2021 -> 2022
I have done so much deep, inner healing around my emotional and mental health.
In 2021 – After the day I had to appear in court to obtain a restraining order from my past relationship – I fell into a dark place, a place that took me back into 10 year old Cass. A place where my thoughts circled around self harm… even though that chapter ending brought better days, I was still grieving a loss which triggered my inner child.
At this point of Summer 2021, I was staying with family for the time being while my new home on wheels was being built, those thoughts and emotions felt so big that I felt paralyzed when left home alone, I couldn’t drive alone as I didn’t trust myself. It got to the point where I had no other choice but to call on God to help me make sense of these emotions at age 29, and I began to ask myself why am I seeing my 10 year old self right now.
Through healing and family I was able to go back to 10 year old Cass and get the answers from her, herself. My questions were simple though the answers felt so unknown at the time…
- I’ve never wanted to end my life, so why do I feel the need to play with fate in harming myself?
- Where are these thoughts/emotions coming from?
- Why am I having these emotions come up that take me back to one of my darkest places?
The answers were actually very simple and I began to get clarity the more I journaled and explored my childhood. If you haven’t actually taken time to sit and think about the trauma in your childhood, I truly didn’t think I had much trauma that I would’ve said affected me in my late 20’s but trauma can be as simple as your parents leaving you in the car while they go to the bank.
“Trauma can be as simple as your parents leaving you in the car while they go to the bank.”
What helped me through that summer in 2021 was understanding God’s place in my life & what other spirits may try to do in moments of your weakness.
I recognize in the world today not everyone is in God’s belief but when you are at a point in your life where you don’t have any other option but to believe someone higher than you is going to keep you safe – You’re going to fucking take it haha.
My breakthrough moments came to a full understanding when my Home of Wheels was nearly at it’s finish, knowing I was soon going to be able to travel and live this life I once dreamed of – my plan of excitement with getting on the road took much longer than expected. I found myself feeling a sense of fear and anxiousness to go on the road Solo which was another, new trauma moment I had to explore and heal – this was a breakthrough.
Afraid to leave home; at 29.
Fear of being alone; at 29.
Guilt for leaving; at 29.
This was new; at 29. But it wasn’t a new emotion for 10 Year old Cass.
My healing showed me this; I felt fear and guilt around leaving and being alone because when I was a kid, my parents split and left, my brother and I were left in the car while my parents went into the bank and as a kid I convinced myself they were never coming back, when my parents would leave me with a sitter while out for dinner I convinced myself they were never coming back. As a kid, if I was the last to fall asleep, I convinced myself demons were coming after me. As a kid, I was once convinced I was going to lose my mom, who was and is my saving grace – I convinced myself without her I couldn’t live either.
There were constant, little meaningless moments (at the time) that actually left me feeling abandoned as a child with no self confidence to live within myself. Which led me growing into a mini adult who relied on boys for reassurance of who I was as a person, and who would also keep me safe – and if you know, you know, this continued until my late 20’s and in most of my few relationships I found myself in, they were both abusive.
My healing taught me, the thoughts and emotions around self harm were never about not wanting to live anymore, it was my way of calling for help to see who would always be a constant in my life – who would always be there to save me, who would be there that I could trust with the complete knowing that they would never leave, because they were chosen to stay, that I wasn’t an inconvenience and that I was loved for who I was and for what I wasn’t.
I don’t blame my parents for my childhood experiences, I have the best parents in the world and my parents are the best ones for me. I chose them and without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today. They’re both my best friends.
I also forgive my past relationships, for taking advantage of me and my heart. Without the way I was treated / not treated I wouldn’t have learnt much of this, I wouldn’t be who I am today and I wouldn’t be with the most incredible man I get to call my soulmate today.
Going into 2022 –
…. After I’d lived with my mom for 2 years as I went through one of the hardest endings to a relationship and my home on wheels being completed – Going back as far as I did, to heal my inner child helped me understand why I felt these fears and emotions around leaving on the road.
I felt as though I was abandoning my mom the way I felt as a kid.
I felt I had to take on everybody else’s problems to free them from the emotions I felt as a kid and if I left I wasn’t going to be able to help others.
I felt if I left, I would lose the most important people in my life.
And more importantly;
Through my healing I learnt to Trust, I learnt to have Faith, I learnt to hold confidence, I learnt my self worth, I learnt what true love is – for not only those in my life but for myself, from myself and from others.
The greatest gift I gave myself was learning to trust, to hold space for myself, to know what thoughts are mine and which aren’t, what to hold onto and what to let go of. I learnt boundaries and to give myself grace with no pressures and to allow myself to just be.
I learnt the Cassandra Rae I am today is the strongest, most deserving to be confident and [safest person], only I will truly know how much healing I’ve done and how far I’ve really come but I also learnt the biggest lesson and that’s that I’m Enough – I’m enough in knowing how much of an accomplishment THIS platform is.
In conclusion to this chapter of my life, it’s been a huge transformation the past few years and the healing never stops but neither does your growth. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs, supporting my platform and coming on this journey with us (Tucker too). It’s only bigger, better & higher up from here.
& if nobody’s told you yet today… I’m so proud of you. Take that first step outside your comfort zone.
Cassandra.. & Tucker.