written April 15, 2020. 1:30am
To think back to where I was in Summer 2018 when what felt so uncontrollably unknown was spiralling to the surface — How far I’ve come but how far I still had to go.
Through the past 2 years I’ve learnt everything I needed when it comes to how my Eating Disorder came into my life and I understand now, that in a sense it never actually left, more so resurfaced itself when I stopped Cheerleading, when what kept me busy, just – stopped.
I was doing what most people in today’s world do, I was masking the old and new traumatic events in my life with something else, so I didn’t have to deal with it. I remember when, I knew deep down something wasn’t normal but I could never fully admit that I was struggling with an “Addiction”.
Now April 2020, my birthday month.
And I’m in Recovery; I’m still battling the battle, still falling short of relapse and my life has significantly changed as I left an 8 year relationship, engagement, on top of a WorldWide Pandemic.
The awareness I gained from my past relationship which was 8 years, was how much self awareness it provided me that I would take so far. However, in the end it was much less than what I deserved and I took that out on myself, often. Since leaving my relationship I already feel a small sense of freedom and more like myself, I can finally begin to put every ounce of energy into healing, into rediscovering who Cassandra truly is.
As I turn 28 in a matter of days, I think about my future and how much I want to find myself and put joy back into my life again. I want to spend the next few years completely transforming my life in finding out everything that makes me the best version of myself. I think about my long term goals from the home I want, to having kids and the reality that I can’t have kids until ED is dead and gone. I’m past the point of choice, I have chosen to not recover but heal and let go of my Eating Disorder and yet ED is still, in the smallest way hanging onto me so tight.
Moments of healing are terrifying, it’s like looking a horrible monster in the face, choosing to walk past him, knocking his shoulder on the way by and praying he doesn’t grab hold of you.
Fast forward to the future.
I’m 29 years old.
The last journal entry I wrote was on April 14, 2020.
“Recovery is not linear but it’s possible.”
Since April 12, 2020, I stepped further into – not recovery – but healing.
I have learnt more about my entire life the past year, that’s changed my here & now.
Going back as far as I could possibly remember as a child, reliving every single major traumatic event in my life. How those events affected me as a little girl, how it impacted my teenage years, my early adulthood, and how reliving these moments have helped me completely understand and transform my life as I know it today & to where it’s going.
Although my healing started in 2018 with my Psychologist – it took a turn for the ABSOLUTE better when I began working alongside Amber Kupina and connecting deeper into my Spiritual realm, through her incredible work in Spirituality and Shamanism I was able to uncover the unknowing past beliefs about myself and ways of living I adopted throughout my life.
Learning the common denominator was myself, lack of self [self confidence, self esteem, self doubt]. Learning the fears I had in my late 20’s was a result of programming through childhood & my experiences. I think every year I would say something along the lines of “I’m working on myself yah know?” – but until I truly started to work on myself, did I know I was working on myself.
Healing, true self healing is the scariest yet most rewarding path you can take.
But it gets ugly, scary & messy – It’s facing trauma head on, connecting the old in order to create a better new. The amount of self work & healing I’ve actively done is what has helped me understand that an eating disorder is purely a coping mechanism to something else, and that something for me was trauma & programming from my childhood, shitty relationships, having no sense of control over specific situations with the result of all of that being lack/fear within myself.
I’m incredibly proud of where I am today – healing & discovering yourself is NOT linear, the amount of times i’d sit with my Psychologist and say;
“I just want this to be over.” –
“I’m sick of dealing this with” –
“I’m so exhausted with the conversation in my head.” –
“I’m so tired of this shit” –
“I just want this to be completely disconnected from me.”
… too many to count.
Healing; is a lifelong journey but when you become more aware of yourself, you get to that point of enough is enough & choose to take your power back.
It’s POSSIBLE! – IT IS POSSIBLE & throughout my recovery, healing journey – I needed somebody to tell me it IS possible, to no longer be tied down to addiction or feeling such a lack of self.
& I’m still here.
I’m still living into my new Identity.
I took my power back, I went head on into my own life, uncovered, discovered & continue to choose my highest – BEST FUCKING SELF, my new Identity, living the most Abundant life, creating and living into the exact life I dreamed & desired.
My Words to you;
𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵.
𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵.
𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗼 & 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗻 𝗔𝗕𝗨𝗡𝗗𝗔𝗡𝗧 𝗮𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗝𝗼𝘆, 𝗣𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗲, 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲.
.. to be continued..
Cassandra Rae, xo