If I were to start this blog post authentically, it would be that I’ve been staring at my computer forever, it would be that I’ve typed a few lines just to delete them to try again.
I want to share this for my future self, but not just a blog post – in spoken word on my social platforms, my form of expression of filmmaking. My purpose is because I’m so grateful to be exactly where I am, here, in this lifetime – let me explain….
3 years ago, 2019, I was 70% bought into knowing I was settling for the life I saw laid out for me, with a 30% inner knowing I was meant for more, and this life wasn’t mine.
3 years ago, I was putting substances in my body to enhance my experiences and living in the illusion of love. I was in love with the idea of love but with the wrong person. I had no self awareness, and had no idea just how far gone I was from my soul’s path & purpose.
2 years ago, 2020, I was engaged to this person I had been with for 8 years. I don’t even know who I was back then but I was so broken, so lost yet trying so hard to figure out the girl I saw looking back at me. I felt like I was fighting between his truth and mine, while accepting his, intuitively knowing it wasn’t true.
I remember finding reasons as to why we were together, defending his character as a little different, and convincing myself that he was somehow meant to be with me (especially if he was putting a ring on my finger) all while knowing, he was cheating on me numerous times, manipulating, and was a true narcissist. Not seeing the truth of his 80+ dollars in debt and his addiction to sexual experiences, but knowing he had a gambling addiction and was an exceptional gaslighter. But at the time, I had never heard the term.
My point is, I know what it’s like to settle. I know how comfortable it is, I get the feeling that it’s just easier to stay still, even for a little longer and how stuck you feel – like there is no way out because it would flip yours (& others) world’s upside down.
Because maybe you have kids,
because it’s not that bad,
because it only happens periodically,
because this one time they did this thing for you….
…. I get it.
But what if for a second, you could rewrite your story, would you write it the same way it’s being written? Or would you change it to look a lot different? How much is different? Which Version of your story feels better in your soul, not heard in your head but felt in your heart?
In February 2020, I had what I call an awakening overnight, actually it was more like within 2 weeks I was being shown more, & more truth and it felt like an overnight nudge that I had to leave. So I made the choice, I chose me, I took that leap and it was hard.. It was hard to sit down and have that conversation, it was hard to pack my things and move elsewhere, it was hard and kind of embarrassing to end things 4 months before our stated wedding day. But it was also the most liberating and freeing thing I could’ve ever chosen for myself. In this Youtube video, I share more about this story and how it was one of the scariest, most difficult times of my life because it went down a legal route.
During the past 2 years, I continued to choose me, I decided to become completely obsessed with myself and go down a deep healing journey. This looked like me crying endlessly, praying to God for help and safety. It included coaches and courses, journaling and conversations in nature. It was reliving my childhood, my past, putting understanding to why I was experiencing the same emotions in my late 20’s as I did when I was 10… this went on for months into years and for the first time my white board was clean and ready to not only follow my dreams but to feel love again, thank god.
But while feeling love again, a TON of trauma came up that needed my attention every moment it surfaced.
The power of energy and spirituality is like no other.
I chose to follow my creative dreams, to travel and not look back.
Then Steve came into my life, again. And everything skyrocketed forward for me. He’s my soulmate, my person, my best friend forever after & where I’m going with this is to say, I know what it’s like to settle for love, settle for a life you are just okay with and I know what it’s like to choose your life, the one that fills you with joy and lights you up! A life that was once a dream is your reality, one that hits you when you’re driving in your home on wheels and bursts into tears because YOU took back your power, and are living your dream reality with the most loving, kind hearted, soulmate God could ever put into your life.
I have no idea if I’ve reached my purpose to this blog post but when Steve proposed to me, heck two years ago when I knew I had just found my person… it took me back to a place in my life where i once had thought the same thing. The difference is, is that now that I’m here ACTUALLY LIVING I can see how deep i was in the life of settling and how much I was lying to myself. I actually know from one scale to another what it’s like to settle and to live, to lie and love. Everything from back then is part of my human experience, part of my lessons in this life time that actually led me to where I am today.
If your where I was 3 years ago, and know you are meant to share a life with someone who’s more, if you know you deserve more – I encourage you to take the steps for you that you need to leap into your own power. It may not be a safe soft landing but it will become the greatest gift that you ever gave yourself.
Follow your soul.
Your heart & soul are separate entities than your head.
Your head will not always steer you in the right direction.
But your Godly soul will.
Sending you so many Blessings;
Cassandra Rae, Tucker & Oliver-Boots